Medium Pimpin
So it's been a while since I had a chance to sit down and write. I've honestly been busy, trying to get a job and coaching my own football team and all...I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying. Geez. You dont have to be so harsh all the time. I have feelings too, you know. Fine, fine, I dont care. Look, let's just do this. Here goes- | And Now- LEGO PIRATES! |
| I couldn't make this up dude. |
McMichael Overtrains Pimp-Hand
In a blatant case of "When Keepin Your Pimp Hand Strong Goes Wrong", Dolphins TE Randy McMichael was arrested last month for a pretty classic case of beating the piss out of his wife.
Blah blah blah, right? That's not the news. The NEWS is that he was not only *WEARING* a wife-beater shirt at the time (LOOK AT THE DAMN PICTURE!!), he was driving a Cadillac Coupe de Ville when he did it. If that aint the very *essence* of pimpin, I dont know what is. Oh, and just in case that wasn't good enough for you, the alleged ass beating also occurred outside a waffle house.
So that's that. I officially have nothing to say that could possibly be more entertaining than the notion of an NFL player wearing a wife-beater cruising up to the local waffle house in his '84 Coupe de Ville to beat the ass of his wife (Who, incidentally, told police that she had "accidental" contact with McMichael, while witnesses claimed it was in fact a full-blown ass beating, complete with a hit to the face with, apparently, a piece of cardboard).
Thanks to http://www.finheaven.com for the great details and picture. As usual, real life is way funnier than I ever could have dreamed of being.
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Jets and Giants Get Low Down and Dirty
And the latest argument against joint practices between teams who hate each other came this saturday as the Jets and Giants got it on, "West Side Story" style. Naturally, model citizen Jeremy Shockey was all up in that like Ron Jeremy at a slumber party, but strangely enough it doesn't appear to have been his fault, strictly speaking. According to what I can gather, the whole deal, which eventually culminated in giants coach Tom Coughlin and Donnie Henderson having a verbal throwdown, was the fault of the Jets, and specifically their coach Herm Edwards.
Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot of information floating around out there about the incident(s), since the NFL is very "Big Brotherly" when it comes to this sort of thing (How in the 9 hells is "Ron MexicO" not a household name? Please explain that to me). All I can really say is that I'm tempted to fully believe this businsess is entirely the fault of the Jets. The main thing we've heard about Tom Coughlin over the last year is what a hardass he is, and hard ass coaches dont tend to have discipline problems from their team. Herm Edwards, on the other hand, is notorious for running his damn mouth and sparking controversy whenever possible.
So to recap: Fight Between Jets and Giants Probably A Result of Tony Dungy Clone's Ineffective Leadership. Film at 11. | Actual shot from one of
saturday's skirmishes.
Not as sexy as you thought
it would be, right? |
Speaking of the Jets
Just to keep you posted on their recent "F--k The Future" Initiative, the Jets appear to have signed Ty Law, who played corner before corner was cool, to a 'multi-year deal'. Just to review their recent push toward totally demolishing the future of the franchise:
March 2005: Jets allow talented (and young, compared to C-Mart) backup RB Lamont Jordan to walk in FA
April 2005 (A): Jets trade 2005 first rounder pick for obscure 5 year veteran TE Doug "Who?" Jolley
April 2005 (B): Jets make a mockery of the NFL draft by taking a kicker not named "Janikowski" in the second round.
August: Jets sign 31 year old corner Ty Law specificially to push any possible promising rookie corners into obscurity.
The Future (?): Jets trade 2005 Defensive rookie of the year Jonathan Vilma to the Cardinals for a hot dog and some awesome star wars temporary tattoos.
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Rookie Diagnosed with Pacman Fever- Ron Mexico denies responsibility
As you well know by now, he was recently arrested on charges of assault and vandalism, stemming from shenanigans in a Tennessee night club. What you may not know is that Pacman apparently is, am, are, was, were and always will be absolutely buck wild- dating back at least as far as his 2002 season at West Virginia for his involvement in a bar fight. Also, since the draft, Pacman has been investigated (but not charged) for his involvement in a fight in a nightclub in Atlanta along with being found in a hotel room that featured marijuana heaped up on a table and a guy
with a dime in his pocket.
I think I detailed how screwed Tennessee actually was a couple of months ago, before this whole tomfoolery regarding Mr. Pacman's exploits came to the media forefront. Some of you may ask, "How do you get by, knowing you're always right about everything?", and to that I answer, "One day at a time, one day at a time" |
And here's hoping...
That somehow, somewhere, whatever Nick Saban said to make 300 pound behemoth Manny Wright piss his pants and cry like a little girl will be preserved for posterity. Now I have personally coached a little football, mostly junior high kids, and I have trouble making them cry. What in God's name did Nick Saban say to this grown ass man get him to boo-hoo so hard that he had to leave practice? I have seen some football players cry, but I have *never* seen one cry so much that they actually had to leave the field, except that time the little fat kid got hit square on in the balls with a rogue deep snap in the 7th grade.
But damn, really. What did he say? I've been doing some thinking and I've narrowed it down to three realistic possibilities that could theoretically make a grown up giant black man cry. They are as follows:
1) God is not real and everything you've been told about him since your childhood has been a horrible lie.
2) Screw up again and we'll trade you to Arizona.
3) "Rookie Hazing"in Miami involves being tied down to your bed and a midnight visit from Ron Mexico.
4) Steve Young's dad has been hired to give you personal motivational speeches before and after every practice and game (And if you saw the hall of fame induction, you'll get that).
None of these options is any more likely than the others, in my opinion, so I will leave the truth open to your own scholarship and conjecture. Thanks again to http://www.finheaven.com for the great image. | Now that is one upset
giant black man. |
Come See the Amazing Exploding Achilles!
I really dont care to write about Todd Pinkston's ruptured Achilles, he's never given me any reason to mock him because of it, but I do have a somewhat funny story about it- For some reason, when I woke up early in the morning and saw the headline on NFL.com "Pinkston Ruptures Achilles", my dyslexia and blurry eyes combined to send my brain the message of "Pinkston Ruptures Penis". There is absolutely no point to this little piece of the article aside from the fact that a ruptured penis is far more interesting than a ruptured achilles. That's all. |
Once again, life is
funnier than Skelter. |
Holdouts Left Holding Their Bag
And I'd like to point out at this time that I was happily surprised to see a few high-profile holdouts fold like cheap suits when the time came to put up or shut up. I think I've said it before, but I'll gladly say it again- YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT. HONOR IT. YOU WOULDNT HAVE GIVEN THE MONEY BACK IF YOU DIDNT PLAY UP TO EXPECTATIONS, SO THEY DONT OWE YOU ANYTHING IF YOU PLAY BEYOND EXPECTATIONS. SORRY, ASSHOLE.
To be fair though, I think a lot of this has to do with evil bastard agents such as Drew Rosenhaus, who intiate a lot of holdouts through their own greed. Keep in mind that agents usually dont get a flat fee, but instead get a percentage of whatever their clients get- therefore, it's just good business to fight for the best possible contract for your client. It doesn't, however, change the fact that you are a greedy bastard and I hope to see you roast in hell over a pit of your own money you capitolist whore. |
An Open Letter To All Holdouts, Rookie's that wont sign their deals, etc, and their agents:
Dear Sirs:
STOP BEING GREEDY YOU BASTARDS. STOP IT. STOP. IT. STOP IT. There are literally 5 billion people that would do what you do for like 1/4 as much money. I could put together an entire *TEAM* of local hobos *and* build us a stadium to play in *AND* hire a mid-range prostitute for as much as some of you bastards want for a signing bonus.
I recognize that your job is hard. I understand that being a professional athlete is very difficult and demanding, but I also understand that YOU PLAY FOOTBALL FOR A LIVING. Highschool kids and some college kids PLAY FOOTBALL FOR FREE.
Also, let me extend a special greeting Drew Rosenhaus, who I hope to some day see forced to live in a Utopian society where no one uses money and you have to work to earn your keep. Truly that is his own personal hell.
Thank you for your time. | I usually reserve images
of Uncle Scrooge for use
with Al Davis, but this
seems appropriate. |
And that's all for this installment of Dark Side. Hope it was worth the wait. Hopefully when the season gets rolling I'll have a little more time to write and there will be a little more to write about. Anyone with an itchin to do some bitchin may contact me at skeldur@hotmail.com, I welcome any and all e-mails, especially ones with porn. Thanks for reading.
"And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon" |
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